Public apology

Okay, so.... I had a moment.

It's NaNo--moments happen.

A friend of mine, who I will be honest I had no idea was such a good friend, posted a comment on my post from last evening. I hope I'm not embarrassing or drawing unwanted attention to her. But I feel I need to say a special thank you. She is someone who understands and put herself out there when she saw me feeling let down and frustrated.

As for everyone else reading... I realize some of you may be more supportive than I'm aware of. Maybe we just don't talk enough, one-on-one, and it's hard for you to reach out to me. I get that. Since coming to Lawrence, I've had a hard time making friends. I used to be so good at it in college. And now for some reason I'm afraid to put myself out there. But that doesn't mean I should make it your responsibilities to be there for me when you hardly know me.

I'm planning on changing that. There are many of you I know care a great deal for me and are just waiting for a chance to sit down, grab a beer (or a bottle of wine) and get to know me better. I'm also hoping that even after my frustrations being posted so blatantly, you're still willing to give me that chance.

If I called you out last night, if I offended you or made you feel like I just don't get it... if I gave you any reason to wonder, "why the hell am I friends with her" then I apologize.

I needed to let off steam, and my venues for that seem to be a bit constipated as of late. I have one friend who is still incredibly close to me, and she lives 2-3 hours away. So when I need someone to turn to, I guess it feels like maybe the wide world of the Internet is all I have.

I'm not harboring any hatred for anybody. I'm not saying that I will continue to write my blog. I will, however, continue to write. If you don't hear from me between now and December 1st, it doesn't mean I terminated all that was dear to me. Sometime at the end of November, you can expect a post that says whether I made it or not.

But at the moment, I need to take a break. I obviously don't have my head in the right place, and I don't want to ruin my chances at having relationships with any of you.

Pulling the plug

Day: #17
Word count: 13,806

I used to know this guy. We had a thing. Like many, it came and went, and won't ever be revisited. Nothing about it was perfect. In fact, it sucked. To be downright, brutally honest, it tore my 20-something heart out.

But I remember we used to talk about my writing. We'd lay down, stare at the ceiling, and he would just let me go. I remember my excitement--how completely open and free I felt, sitting there gushing to him all my ideas and dreams. He never got tired of it. I don't know how, maybe he was just being nice. But he'd let me talk and talk and talk until it was way past time to drive home. He just listened, sometimes offered advice or a reader's opinion. But the one thing he did that stood out above everything else was he encourage me, he supported me.

I miss him. I miss somebody, that for all other intents and purposes, I utterly hate. Because he had sense enough to give a shit about the one thing that meant more to me than anything in this world.

The one thing everyone who's done NaNo can say is this: you learn more than you'd expect to. About writing, about yourself, and even about those around you.

I've learned my writing still means everything to me. I could die tomorrow, without a page to my legacy, and I think that alone could be my reason for going to hell. Because I would cling to life, terrified, afraid to go in either direction, solely because my one dream never became a reality.

I've learned I need people like that one guy, all those years ago. No, it's not the way writing gets done. It has to be for yourself. But support, to me, is ridiculously necessary. I need someone cheering me on. I need somebody else to care.

I've learned the only person who genuinely cares is my father. For this, I love him all the more. He doesn't read my blog. He's never read my writing. But he's told me that his favorite thing about me is my writing. My creativity, my passion, my drive--the thing that got me through college, that kept me blindly dreaming through bad jobs and missteps.

The further in NaNo I get, the more it seems to be most people don't give a flying fuck about this. Not even remotely. They take it as a joke, as just another flash in the pan attempt. Do you want me to crawl into my little slice of suburbia and die slowly, plagued by meaningless jobs and unfulfilled desires? Yes, I set out to make this fun. Hence the blog. But I never once took this as a joke.

I kidded around that I would rather be playing Bioshock. Well who the hell wouldn't? It's a great game! And when I explained to a friend that I had 50K of a novel to write so I can publish, her response was that I should just give in. Thanks friend. Glad my lifelong dream registers that high on your scale.

In general, this is the type of response everyone's been giving me. And if not this, then utter disinterest. Thanks for "following" my blog I guess. I didn't want a number, I wanted a support system.

The fact is, I created this blog to have fun. But I also created it so that the people who cared might be there for me. Now it's only become a crushing reminder of how alone I am out here. I never started this with the intent of it becoming some bitching, pissing diatribe about how much my life and my friends suck.

So I'm pulling the plug. Because I know tomorrow the world I know will go on as if nothing has been lost. And I can't help but wonder if somehow, off in another time and place... his heart is breaking as much as mine.

Good-night world. Today, I feel you have done me a great injustice.

Uneventful post #1

Day: #15
Word count: 13,575

My cat makes me feel like an evil genius

Day: #14
Word count: 13,063

Too bad my word count doesn't quite reflect that. Though I'm in double digits, I'm finding it's getting harder and harder to just crank stuff out.

My brain literally rebels against it

(Copyright note: that image, once again, borrowed from Hyperbole and a Half. Go read it!)

Another weekend down and I'm starting to hate not actually having a weekend.

All work and no play makes Meg a....

GAH! JACK NICHOLSON! That was a terrible movie. Great book, though.

But I digress. Suffice to say, things are not moving along as quickly as I thought they would. I figured once I got into to Junction City, it would start rolling like a hot rod. It feels more like...

I thought taking a break would have helped. Unfortunately, it's only served to make my brain all the more exhausted every time I look at the computer.

*casts sodden look at towel in hand, debating*

Not just yet... 15 more days to go.

Steampunk revolution

Day: #13
Word count: 11,171

I finally broke 10K. Granted, to be on top of things I need to be another 10K along by the end of tomorrow...

But nevertheless, I broke the 10K mark. I'm a week late in doing so, but it could be worse I guess.

Maybe I'm still catching up on the sleep I lost this week. Maybe I'm just burned out beyond belief, to the point I'm not even fully away of it. But I once again cannot make myself stay up. I just don't have it in me.

But vacation(s) are fast approaching. I get to spend this upcoming weekend with my co-writer and best buddy! Not to mention:

YES!!! It is Harry Potter 7: Pt 1 premier this weekend! Who's got two thumbs and is excited?

*points* This chick.

Still, with any luck some writing will get done. And with her at my side, hopefully she will be able to give a pointer or two when I get caught up.

Not much to say tonight. The title comes from the fact that I am now in Junction City and the town has suddenly gotten a major makeover.

Yes, ladies and gents, I have officially made J City "steampunk." If you don't know what it is, look it up. I did it mainly for the costuming options, which are tres cool. Migel and Quinn (the next two main characters who will be introduced in this town) are also getting some new revamped looks. If I can find some kind of program that allows me to do costume design and then share it online, I will post the new looks once I have a chance.

Needless to say, my brain is ready but my body is unwilling, yet again. But with this new look and feel to Abeo's capitol, I am totally jazzed to explore the city even more! Hopefully 21K will be within shouting distance when I post tomorrow.

Good night moon :)

Just a little more background

Day: #12
Word count: 9,491

It's not even 10:30 and I'm ready to pass out. I just--JUST!--had Starbuck's. Espresso is losing its effect on me! What am I going to do?!

I don't have it in me to pull an all nighter. I wish I did. Especially because I'm really excited, albeit a little daunted, by the next segment! I'm soooo ready to get going. This is where the story really takes off! I can't wait.

But alas... I am exhausted. Starbuck's, you have failed me.

So here are some things you may be wondering about the story now that you've heard a little about the main characters.

The religious system for this universe is a lot like Native American/Greek mythology. There's pretty much a god or goddess for everything. Overseeing it all are the two Mothers: one who encompasses all that is light, the other all that is dark (dark not meaning "evil" in this sense... just balance, yin&yang, etc). In creating their world, they each had their own tidbits they threw in to make things interesting. However, the Hilmeuby are the "chosen" race because they are supposedly the only people created by both Mothers. In other words, they're the perfect "joint effort."

The Hilmeuby obviously multiplied and split into tribes as time went by. Prior to the war, the country they resided in was Morra: a peninsula practically cut in two by a canyon called the Ryari Igrya (translates "valley of the blessed") and bordered to the north by a mountain range. When the war broke out between those who could use magic and believed sternly in the religion that followed the Mothers, and those who decided to use their time creating machines and forgoing nature and piousness, the Hilmeuby sided with the former though chose not to fight. A majority of them were slaughtered in cold blood.

The last remnants of them formed the final tribe of Luani. Luani, of course, had been established prior to this, but it was pretty much the last village standing. After the war was ceased by both sides--basically, they were too evenly matched to succeed in killing each other--they divided the land between the two armies. To the north of the Ryari Igrya, the believers in magic formed Caelestis. To the south, the machinists created Abeo. Luani, rather unfortunately, was already established in the south by the time the land claims were made.

The capitol of Caelestis is Bren. However, we're not that far yet. The capitol of Abeo is, you guessed it! Junction City. Which is exactly where we're at now. Once the war ended, those who run Junction City have made their goal to buy and establish all the land around them. Considering only their followers now live on this side of the valley, the task has been relatively easy. Except for Luani. Hence the initial conflicts this tiny little village must face from the opening of the novel.

Luckily... or rather, very very unluckily, they don't have to deal with it for much longer. Seeing as how those who run J. City get fed up and just decided to decimate the village.

I am a wrathful god :( 

So that's the dictionary definition of things I guess. More or less the prologue with a bit of the first few chapters added in. I'm going for full burn tomorrow and Sunday, so we'll see how far I can get. But for now:

No, I'm not dead yet

Day: #12
Word count: unchanged
Current time: 7:33 AM

Someone asked me why I haven't posted in two days. Suffice to say I have been dealing with things that go beyond NaNo. It's all been wrapped up now in a package that is far from nice and neat--more like a truck ran over it and it got left in the rain for a few hours--but it's good enough for me to persevere forward.

By the end of this weekend, my word count needs to be somewhere in the 21K range. I haven't even made it to 10K. But luckily I'm at a jumping off point--somewhere where I know the words will just get rolling. I get to introduce new characters and a whole new dynamic into the mix that I love writing and playing with. For the most part, it should be more of a breeze than the rest has been thus far.

I have to be at work at 8:00, I leave at 12:00 after much disgusting cleaning that you would shudder to hear about. I will be tired, I will smell bad. So I have allowed myself time for a small nap and a shower. But after that point, I am strapping in. Holing up in my room with snacks and caffeinated beverages galore. I will try to update each day again since apparently someone misses me :)

For now... Golden Grahams and OJ.