Could someone please bring balloons to this pity party?

Day: #8
Word count: 8,490

This is the point in NaNo where this starts happening:

I'm honestly contemplating taping one of these to my keyboard. At least that way my word count would go up every time I smack into it in utter frustration and self-loathing.

I suppose the truth at this point is pretty simple. I've done next to no writing over the last year, and now hitting it full force is burning me out. And burning me out 10x quicker than doing this over the course of the last year would have. All I want to do is take just one little break. Just one night off. But the fact is, I was behind by about 3.5K on Sunday, and now that it's Monday it's almost another day down the drain. It keeps piling and piling... and somehow 300 words behind turned into so far behind that I'm starting to think I won't make it.

You could argue that ultimately I've accomplished something thus far. I've started writing again, consistently every night, even if it's only 90 words there or 1000 here. But if I don't make my NaNo count I will be utterly crushed. Why? I couldn't tell you. It's not like its ever mattered before.

Maybe because I need to finish something for me, to prove I'm still an autonomous individual capable of devoting time to me and my ambitions. But my ambitions are exhausting. Why couldn't I have picked stamp collecting for a hobby?

I'm starting to think certain people take all this as a joke. Well, tonight I'm here to remind you through my fit of defeat and complete utter annoyance at the world that it--is--not.

NaNoWriMo, yes, to some degree, is a joke. A lot of people enter, a lot of people win, who spend November writing a novel full of crap and plot holes and bad writing. But this isn't about NaNo (lest we forget my declaration against it in my first post), it's about my novel. I'm using the parameters of NaNo as a challenge to myself to help propel me forward.

But what I'm trying to do is not a joke. If you don't take it seriously, if you don't take me seriously, now would be a good time to back out. Because from here on in, it's going to get ugly. I'm going to get mean, nasty, frustrated, and unbearable.

Tonight is officially my "night off." I'm still behind on word count, but I'm calling it quits an hour early. The last two days have been too much for me and I'm throwing my hands up and walking away before I light something on fire. I hope to report better results tomorrow.